Ursa Major.

It has just occurred to me that I have absolutely no idea of what I am going to do with my life. I haven't even taken my SATs, so I can't really apply to any colleges. And even if I was in a position to apply, I wouldn't know where to apply at. My grades are mediocre at best. My GPA is just about average. My mom is moving to Oklahoma City sometime in the very near future. I have no job. I spend all my time doing band stuff. And I am just starting to realize that once I finish high school, I am going to be completely lost. Somehow, I am okay with all these things and I'm pretty content to just go where fate leads me.
That is all.
Oh, and listen to Third Eye Blind's first album since 2001- Ursa Major. It is quite lovely.

These Hammers & Strings been followin' me around...

Recent things:
1. I've started playing my guitar a lot. Just another thing I can say that I consider a hobby. I recently learned 'Drive' by Incubus, and 'Maybe' by Secondhand Serenade. Both fantastic songs, but probably less fantastic when played by me.
2. Looking at colleges, but quickly realizing higher education is probably not for me. I'm not terribly good at anything (enough to want to pursue it as a career for the rest of my life,) and I'm not interested in paying a lot of money to do something I feel lukewarm about.
3. I love drumline. I guess that isn't recent. I just love it, all the time.
4. I also adore Sam. That doesn't really require any explanation.
5. I need to write something worth something. Everything I write has a very complacent, disappointing feel to it. I want to write something that causes people to have absurd emotions. I want to write something that I feel good about.
6. I cannot stop watching/thinking about Harper's Island. All that is left is the 2 hour finale this Saturday and it could absolutely not come quick enough. I love it. I can't get enough.

Also, listen to 'Letters From the Sky' by Civil Twilight. It could very easily change your life. And, read 'Bright Shiny Morning' by James Frey. If you haven't read any of his stuff yet, it might seem a little weird because his writing style is pretty unique. I can almost promise that you will like it if you give it a chance.

I just need a light in the dark as I search for the resolution,

Its supposed to get harder before it gets better,
they tell me.
If you cry all the time and you feel like you can't catch your breath,
thats normalcy.
thats what they tell me.
and if you feel like youre drowning under the weight of your grief,
then youre doing okay.
its good that you feel this way.
because the memories will fade,
and the wounds, theyll scar.
and everything you feel,
will become vague and equivocal.
no the pain wont be unbearable for long,
and youll begin to smile again.
youll learn to feel other things.
thats what theyve told me all along,
but they never said i would feel so immensely,
incomprehensibly helpless.
they never told me that id cry so hard i would choke.
they never said i would be numb to every emotion other than sadness.
they forgot to mention that i wouldnt be able to love, trust, or care.
like a new piercing,
or a tetanus shot,
it will hurt bad but not for long.

Im Not Looking for Forgiveness.

I've been lifting up rocks for days,

searching for places to hide.

I don't have the strength to face the feelings

that are sure to pour out from inside.

I need you now more than I did then,

cause when everything starts getting harder,

I used to run straight to your open arms.

My best friend, my hero, my father.

I've been working on this for a month.

I'm stuck.

input?

I'm alive, but I don't need a witness to know that I survived.

Let me just begin by saying that 2008 was the most trying year of my life, so far. I lost my best friend/father to cancer on October 29, began to really question my faith, and ended a year-and-a-half long relationship. But, I'm not complaining. My dad was in so much pain for so long, that it is great that he didn't live the full 6 months that we had anticipated. He lived an amazing life, and really impacted those who knew him, as well as those who he just passed by on the street, i'm sure. He really was the greatest person I've yet to know. His passing has brought my mom and I so much closer together than we were before! It truly is a blessing in disguise. I havn't really even begun to cope with his death until the past few weeks. Its definitely an uphill battle, and there is a long road ahead, but a resolution will come in time.
So, in light of a recent need to speak, I have deleted all of my previous blogs, and am restarting with a new perspective. Same girl, differents thoughts.
-T